a new reality

I am crying happy tears tonight, quite unexpectedly.... I'm not usually so sappy, but I think it hit me tonight as I looked at little sleeping Jacob that I am a Mom. Sometimes it seems so surreal. I don't think I appreciate it enough, not even sure I deserve it.

An email from a friend a few days ago inspired me to go back and read through my blog from last year, prior to IVF. It's almost been a year now and while I am still just as whiny, my life has changed (new things to complain/worry about). I don't want to characterize that time as anything negative because even though I felt very alienated, bitter, and fragile - it was still an important time in my life. I don't want to say "I wished I didn't feel that way" because it's how I felt and those feelings were very valid. I wish I didn't have to go though what I did but at the same time how can I say I'm the person today without the experience?

Before I was pregnant, getting pregnant was like the promised land...if only if only... my life would be great forever. I know this is probably not quite how I felt, but sometimes I think reading my blog maybe I did. And being pregnant was really an amazing time, better than I hoped. I had aches and pains and fear, but that baby kicking and the big belly. I loved him, loved having him with me all the time. Loved being at work, thinking it was all secondary to what was to come. I was the happiest pregnant lady on the block I said, and I was!!

But now I am on the other side. Motherhood should be just an extension of pregnancy and all it's bliss, right? Someone posted the other day that motherhood is a new reality, one you have to grow into - and once you are there, you won't remember what life was like before. I am on my way and that day will come - but I am not there yet. Never knew how hard this would be -- not really motherhood - but the transition from my old life to my new life.

Part of me feels very guilty celebrating today when my friends are not all here yet (and knowing this day is hard). In my mind, I wanted this to be like other Sunday in solidarity with them -- and it was. Please know ladies - new moms, pregnant moms to be, those still trying, and those who are moms in spirit -- you are all in my prayers.