Birthstory and baby blues part 1

Here's a little update from my life in Indiana...

First the birthstory. I don't really have a good place to post this, so I apologize for the baby centric content this time for awhile, I just need to get it out.

I was due to get induced at 41w2days, but during my Non-Stress test on 40w6days (February 27th) they decided that I didn't have enough fluid left in my amniotic sac so they sent me right to the hospital to start induction. Mind you, I had my work clothes on, make up, and nothing at all with me! The hospital and the doctors office is in the same building, so I had time to get out two calls, one to my husband and one to my coworker to let him know I wasn't coming back to work!

They told me that the induction meds would take up to 12 hours to work and I started at noon. I told my husband to finish out his work day, get dinner, and get my stuff. I actually started feeling contractions within 2 hours of getting the meds and I labored quite nicely by myself watching a movie through strong contractions (50%) until 6pm. They gave me the first happy pill, Nubane? which gave me an hour break. I think by 8pm I was 3 cm and opted for the epidural at that point. I was contracting and dialating so nicely, we almost skipped the pitocin all together, but at midnight it was started. I got to 10 cm pretty quickly by 3am, but I was completely and totally numb. We tried to have me start pushing numb, but I totally couldn't get it. I couldn't figure out how to push and I couldn't feel anything. After 30 minutes, we turned down the epidural, waited and tried again. Again, I couldn't make any progress, couldn't really tell what I was doing, so they completely turned off the epidural. When it was starting to wear off, we tried again, but the contractions were so bad I was completely exhausted by 6am. I tried so hard to work through the pain, breathing through contraction and trying to relax the muscles during the rests, but after awhile it just wasn't working anymore. They turned on the epidural again because everyone saw where I was (yes, I was at that 10 level for an hour, screaming and what not through each contraction and beyond). They gave me the option to try to push with some epidural or do a c-section. I didn't feel like I had anything left to give, hadn't made any progress pushing, and the doctor wasn't sure he could get the baby out even if I did. I opted for the c-section, and then pretty much passed out.

I do remember the c-section and the craziness that went on before the operation, with everyone running around getting ready. The other doctors were asking me questions and all I could do is nod. My doctor said I was too tired to answer.

I also remember hearing my baby's first cry as they pulled him out and I remember just feeling very shocked. I looked at Matt with totally and utter shock - like is this really happening?? Holy crap!! I also felt very guilty for not feeling more joy at the moment, not the feelings that everyone told me about. Matt got to hold the baby and was staring just mesmerized while they did the stitching on me. I was dying to see him too. I was able to do the skin to skin and breastfeeding within the hour. After starting to recover, I felt my bond with Jacob starting then.

I guess I have some issues still with opting for the c-section. I wish I had more energy, had eaten a better breakfast on Friday (my last meal before this all started), had maybe not given up sooner. Recovering from the c-section has been very hard and I still have a ways to go. I'm pretty sure alot of this is hormonal...but I guess that is normal.

Ok, more to write, but time to go pump.